There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
a search helicopter?!
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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