he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
