i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
