I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
