I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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