i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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