the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
