I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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