no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
