I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
