i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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