The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
