Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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