I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
