Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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