There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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