im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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