In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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