My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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