my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
