I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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