I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
