He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
