Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
