My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
