Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
