it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
