Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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