I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
