smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
