Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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