i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Are my feet made of real feet?
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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