**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
