I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
