his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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