I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
