It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
