Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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