you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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