I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
