I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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