I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
