To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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