you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
