Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
