happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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