You kept calling me your small dog last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
