drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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