what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
