Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Randomize
