I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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