i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
